is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
