one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
