I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
