Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
