you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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