i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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