Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
