My sheets look like a crime scene.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is wine microwaveable?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
