Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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