mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
