I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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