you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
