Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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