1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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