he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
