my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I love having hate sex.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
