Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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