Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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