so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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