I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sober January is a disaster.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
