I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
True strength comes from lack of pants
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
