ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize