Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
