i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
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