Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
