mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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