sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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