my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
