3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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