YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize