I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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