dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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