My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
