and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
