i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
