1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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