I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
