Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
