and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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