An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
