Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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