Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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