dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
