what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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