I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
