More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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