Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize