I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
