There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize