I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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