my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
