Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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