Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
