I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize