Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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