I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
