I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
