Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
