I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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